Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
