So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
