Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
