I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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