I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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