hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
