***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You're breaking my sexual little heart
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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