and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
