Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
