Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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