Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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