my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
