dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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