i don't like sucking hair
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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