There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
