I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
