When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
