I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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