If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize