He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
