I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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