Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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