just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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