I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
