respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
