There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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