She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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