Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Randomize
