hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
