there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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