While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Randomize
