Jerry, you need to find god
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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