mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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