mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
