I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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