We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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