We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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