I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
