I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
