I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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