We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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