walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I want to be your penis for a week.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
