They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
