she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
