I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
