I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
