If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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