Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
