we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
