you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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