Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize