i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize