oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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