Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
