I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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