he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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