I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
