I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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