Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she told me i tasted like america
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
