Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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